Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Please forward to: The Moon

 Man Savaged by Chainsaw in Minto

I don't wish to sound to por-TENT-ous, but the above news story got me to wondering:

would it be possible to opt out of the human race and set up a new home on the moon?

I am currently looking into it. But rest assured, if I do set up shop on the moon, I will post my forwarding address here.

However, here is a list of people who will not be welcome in my New World Order Of Hypersensitive Nitpicky Humans:

  • People who cut each other up with chainsaws
  • Young men who drive noisy fast cars and then give me "the rude finger" for no good reason other than: I was waiting to enter the roundabout and I stopped suddenly to avoid a collision
  • Television executives who program endless repeats and franchises of NCIS, Law and Order, and Fat People On Parade-style reality shows
  • Anyone who has won or competed on a reality TV show (except for Julia Morris, she is most welcome)
  • Lara Bingle and the weird-looking paparazzi man who continues to pap her
  •  AJ Rochester 
  • Any woman who has ever posed on the cover of a magazine in a bikini and high heels alongside the heading: "I Love My New Body!" (or the like, which unfortunately cancels out Julia Morris.)
  • People who say: 'at the end of the day,' '24/7' and 'going/moving forward.' (Unfortunately for me, that means a few of my good friends and Delta can't come and she's so pretty. But rules are rules.)
  • People with official-looking lanyards and clipboards who knock on my door during the day and claim an urgent need to see my energy bills so they can 'give me a better deal.'
  • Anyone who was born after circa. 1950 and still says, "abbo."
  • The old man who lives across the road and scowls at me like he wants to kill me.
  • People who listen to 'doof-doof' music
  • Boofheads
  • Joggers: they stop for no-one and what they're doing is more important than where you are going
  • Large swarms of MAMILs* One or two is okay, but it's the swarms I find particularly frightening.
  • Nudity and/or anyone who is free with theirs.
  • Anyone who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're"
  • Justin Bieber and One Direction
  • Teenage girls who scream at Justin Bieber and One Direction
  • Kardashians
  • Ridiculously high heels (sorry that's not so much a person as an object, but still: NOT WELCOME!)
  • Bland inoffensive television personalities (the ones who are interchangeable) - only offensive, opinionated and interesting people are welcome on my moon.
  • The person who invented Jack Vidgens's hair
  • Jack Vidgens (bottom) and his hair (top)

If you are not on the above list (and you did not invent Jack Vidgens's hair) please feel free to join me should the human race finally repel me to The Moon.

Exact address to be advised.

*Middle Aged Men In Lycra (a.k.a Bicycle Men)


  1. Good idea, and may I suggest the inclusion on your exclusion list of all those who use an unnecessary apostrophe when advertising fruit and vegetables
    i.e. Plums' $4.99
    or Plum's $4.99
    I would seek an excemption for all my Year 9 girls (recently I've been teaching in an all girl school), because I haven't finished working with them yet, but unfortunately the rule about One Direction would probably exclude them anyway.

    1. Excellent! I agree that the moon colony should be a land where apostrophes are used appropriately.