Monday, 16 March 2015

17 annoying things parents do

As a demographic mass, parents are possibly the most annoying group in society. Not only does the government always pitch their tax cuts and free money to us every budget cycle (as though 'working families' are more important than people who live alone with cats) but we also clog up the roads every morning and every afternoon when we're doing the school run. (Because heaven forbid our precious bundles should be made to use their legs for purposeful walking as opposed to enriching extracurricular activities.)

Let's face it, we are annoying.  Here are 17 annoying things parents do.*

 1. Talk about their kids

I don't mind hearing about my friends' kids and I don't mind hearing a story that is a GOOD story about your kids. But don't tell me incessant banal sh** about your kids, because guess what? I have my own kids and incessant banal sh** is MY LIFE!

If it's a story about how your toddler obsessively licks the bin every morning, then I'm in: that's funny. But if it's a story about how your kid is 'taking learning risks' and 'hitting every milestone right on the button' *loud snoring noise*

 2. Volunteer photos of their kids when no one asked

If I ask, show me. But don't shove your phone in my face and volunteer a photo of your kid for me to admire, appropos of nothing.  As above: I have my own, I know what a baby/toddler/kid looks like and if I don't know you that well, yours are inconsequential to me: they just look like  curly-headed potatoes with eyes.

So, unless I know you quite well and am interested in what your kids look like, don't make me pretend to admire photos of your potato-with-eyes kid.

3. Block footpaths/shop aisles and access to sales racks with their GIANT Mack-truck sized prams

Something about having a pram seems to make people think they are hard done by and therefore deserve right of way.  I know this, because I used to be one of those people.

But since then, I have been run off the footpath by the Mummy Mafia, two-abreast-and-chatting-a-mile-a-minute in their Lorna Jane too many times to forgive.

I have also had precious, PRECIOUS access to a sales rack blocked too many times by a mother with a giant pram.  She just parks it right near the 'Extra 30% off' rack and then goes about her business rifling through the cheap stuff before I can get to it.  I can't go around her and I can't approach from another angle to get to that blue and white striped top BEFORE SHE DOES because she's created a road block with her Bugaboo.

 4. Let their kids do cartwheels in between the tables at restaurants because if the kid isn't bothering them, they're not bothered

Guilty as charged.

 5. Talk about where they're sending their kid to school/high school

Despite the fact that this is possibly the most tedious and boring topic of conversation in all of Christendom, I have found myself initiating this conversation too many times to mention. And then I get deep into it and I suddenly realise what a deeply boring person I have become. I hear us blah-blah-blah-ing  on about our kids, and how the school has to be right for the kid and as long as the kids are happy ... and OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!! What a boring bunch of people we are.

 6. Secretly think their kids are more awesome than yours 

Guilty as charged.

 7. Talk about their kids' NAPLAN scores as though NAPLAN scores actually MEAN SOMETHING!!!

Let me say this once: NAPLAN scores are not a test of your kids' intelligence, they are a test of how well the school is teaching your child according to the national curriculum.

And sure, this may be sour grapes because none of my kids ever end up in the pointy section of the graph, (except for punctuation and grammar which is just some weird anomaly and see what I did there? I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.) But seriously, it's not the HSC.  It's a basic skills test to make sure the school is teaching your kid properly.  So stop quoting me the 'band' your kid is in for numeracy skills. I’m. Not. Interested.

 8. Trail their kids through Target or Kmart leaving a slipstream of chaos and destruction in their wake

Guilty as charged.

 9. Let their kid hog the swing at the park because it gives them a chance to check Facebook/emails while they push

 10. Think it's cute for their toddler to play peekaboo with you over the back of the plane/bus/train seat THE WHOLE WAY

It's cute a few times, then it just gets exhausting. Know when to quit, people. Know when to quit.

 11. Say 'use your words Portia' when Portia is having a major meltdown in public and is clearly completely BEYOND words

Just pick that kid up, put her under your arm like a football and wing her out of there NRL-style.  Now is not the time for 'right-on' parenting.

 12. Invent dumb spellings for standard names to make their kid 'different'

Tyffannee, Lee-arne, Blayke, Ezmay, Me’Chell, Kareena etc. etc.

Two things:
a) Remember primary school you doofus?  Being different is not AN ASSET!!
b) You have just bought your kid a lifetime of having to spell out out their name for people, over and over and over again.

 13. Create annoying disorganised bunching chaos at the airport

This was me, about three weeks ago, herding my kids through Sydney Airport. I was aware of how annoying we were, we just couldn't stop being annoying. Everywhere we went. We were annoying.  We were THAT family.

 14. Let kids use an ipad without headphones in public

On a plane, on the bus, on the train, in a cafe.  You find yourself subjected to the perky generic sounds of Peppa Pig or the incessant "BOING BIP BOING BOING!" of the latest educational 'Find that fruit game' because some bint won't make their toddler wear headphones.

 15. Take toddlers to a fancy schmancy restaurant and then demand a kid-friendly menu

In fact, let’s just limit that one to the first half of the sentence.

Parents of toddlers: it’s two or three years of your life when you can’t go out to fancy restaurants (unless you shell out for a babysitter) and I know it’s hard. But please, take one for the team.  Just accept that your lifestyle has changed for a while and be gracious: either stay home or leave that kid at home.

For those of us who have lived through that phase and come out the other side, we don’t want to eat our fancy food while your toddler wraps spaghetti round his entire body, squeals intermittently and makes dough balls with bread in a water glass.

(To be clear: I'm talking about FANCY restaurants, not your local kid-friendly bistro.)

 16. Let their toddler rough up your dog/cat indiscriminately because the toddler  'needs to learn’

Yes, he needs to learn that dogs are unpredictable and don’t like being ridden rodeo-style by some 30 pound toddler. But if your child then gets bitten, don’t start calling for the ‘dangerous dog’ to be put down.

(Again, to be clear: I’m talking about dogs on leads here, I am not talking about uncared-for dogs that roam the streets and are a menace to society.)

 17. Get their outrage on in the comments box about listicle-style articles that have anything to do with parenting and kids

The internet rewards articles that have lots of comments: even 'Shut-up-YOU-are' style comments that are barely decipherable due to bad spelling. So if you don’t like it, ignore it and Facebook/Google will assume the article is not interesting to anyone. As a result, it will disappear. Don’t get your outrage on in the comments box, you’ll only make that sh** rise to the top of the feed again.

* Disclaimer: in the interests of full disclosure, the writer acknowledges that she has been guilty of most of these annoyances in her time as a parent, not including numbers 7 and 17.

Monday, 16 February 2015

45 things that go through a woman's head when she's walking through IKEA

Going to IKEA is a bit like having a baby: it seems like a good idea at the time, but once you’re in the thick of it, you start to wonder if you’ll ever make it out alive. Here are 45 thoughts that go through my head whenever I go to IKEA.

1. I am going to have the best time and when I’m finished my house is going to look awesome.

2. Ooh, free pencils. I want one! And a tape measure. This is the best day ever.

3. What … ? Why are all these people here on a weekday? Don’t they have JOBS!?

4. Get outta my way large family who brought grandma AND grandpa!

5. OK, stay on target, stay on target – you are here to buy a KALLAX shelving unit only. Repeat KALLAX shelving unit only. Do not, I repeat, do not buy any cheap scented candles or plastic boxes.

6. Oh that white couch looks so smart … HEY IDIOT! What have we discussed? You cannot have white furniture. Right, cannot have white furniture, must not buy white furniture.

7. I wish my living room looked like that … but … would I have to get a handyman to come and drill holes into my walls to make those shelves work? Forget it.

8. Ooh, a little box of screws and nuts … who doesn’t need lots of nuts and hooks and screwy bits?

9. I think I’m gonna need one of those big yellow bags.

10. Something about that cheap couch just doesn’t quite look right, it’s like the cover doesn’t fit properly or … Hello! Chair pads!

11. If I buy these chair pads, everything in my life will be perfect.

12. What are these things? EKSALS? I don’t know what they are, but I think I need some, they look like some sort of storage solution.

13. I think I might need two bags.

14. Ah the dining room section. You know what? I’ve been thinking lately that a fold-out dining table would solve all my problems. Where’s that stupid free pencil? Now, LAGSIG fold-out table … Aisle 56 Area 45 … hang on or was that Area … oh forget it, I don’t need a fold-out dining table … focus, focus. KALLAX shelving unit, KALLAX shelving unit.

15. Ah, the kitchen section, where all my dreams can come true. I feel like I just took a Valium, it is soooo organised and relaxing in here. If I had that kitchen, I would be so happy.

16. Hey! Idiot! We’re here for square shelving, keep moving, keep moving and don’t look left or right.

17. Right, where’s the shortcut. Oh I see it, almost there …

18. Ooh! Hanging tub thingies for my kitchen. THAT will solve all my problems. I can hang some herbs like Jamie Oliver does.

19. Hold the phone! Under-bench lighting … that I don’t have to call an electrician to install? I’m in.

20. Think I’m going to need a bigger bag.

21. OK, now stay on target, we’re almost to the shelving section, square shelves remember, square shelves.

22. Stupid big family in my way again. Burn them off. Indicate and overtake, walk like an Olympian, heel-toe, heel-toe.

23. Ahh, shelving, here we are. Now, KALLAX shelving unit, where are you?

24. Do I want a unit of nine or 12 squares? Dammit, I should have measured the living room wall. Rookie mistake! Rookie mistake!

25. Aisle 21 Area 15 . Right, got it, stay on target. Now get out! Run, run. Don’t go through the market hall just go straight to the picking section, then to the checkout and GO! Blinkers on.

26. Uh-oh the bedroom section. Do not buy any cute cheap lights for kids, do not buy any cute cheap lights for kids … or dumb hanging soft toy storage.

27. OH a bed canopy! That’d be fun. $14? Why wouldn’t ya? And some of these plastic storage boxes … hang on, do I need a shelving unit with those – HEY! Stay on target, we’re going straight to the checkout, remember?

28. Think I’m going to need a trolley.

29. Uh oh, here comes the soft furnishings section. Do not buy cushions, do NOT buy cushions. Or funky Swedish fabric to MAKE your own cushions. You don’t sew, remember, we’ve been through this before.

30. Whew! Made it through I’m nearly there … HEY! Lighting … FOCUS! Do not buy cheap paper lanterns, do not buy cheap paper lanterns. Well, maybe just one.

31. Ooh trolleys, now I can get more stuff. No! Take the shortcut, take the shortcut … I see the shortcut to the checkouts, take it, quick, take it and you can still get out of here alive!

32. OK, so I took the shortcut but … what? Market hall? How did I end up here? Goddamn you Swedish temptress! OK, so maybe just one box of wine glasses, they’re so cheap, why wouldn’t ya?

33. And these napkins are fun.

34. Oh and these coffee mugs, I think I’m going to start a new theme, blue and taupe. Three blue, three taupe. And I’ll need some new blue and taupe placemats to go with my new theme.

35. Aaand maybe some plates.

36. OK, we’re nearly there …just walk straight through the cheap-scented-candles-that-smell-like-food and garden-knick-knacks-that-you-don’t-need section.

37. Ooh a gazebo! Could I do that myself without calling a tradesman? HEY! You’re here for square shelves, KALLAX shelving unit, Area 15 Aisle 21 … or vice versa, anyway, remember, keep going. Just keep walking.

38. Oh my god, I’m finally here. There’s the checkout and there’s a checkout with only one person waiting. Quick speed up and get in front of the big family who brought grandma and grandpa, how did they get in front of me again?

39. Awesome, self-serve checkout – I don’t have to talk to anyone about how my day is going.

40. I LOVE this self-scanner thing, I feel like a shopkeeper. I might even ask that lady how her day is going.

41. Uh-oh, no bags. I’m gonna have to buy another one of these stupid big IKEA bags to carry all my stuff and then when I get home I’m going to have to wedge it into the linen cupboard with the other five I already have.

42. Finally, I made it out. I’m clear. I can see the EXIT. I’m free! I’m … wait I think I forgot something …

43. Oh sh**, I forgot the KALLAX shelving unit. I’m going to have to come back tomorrow.

44. Help me, I can’t remember where my car is.

45. Seriously, somebody help me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Confessions of a school volunteer

Life as a school mum is peppered with call-outs for volunteers.  And when it comes to volunteering, there are those who do and those who don't.  If I'm going to be honest, my instinct is to be in the latter category. But I have tried, with varying degrees of success.

Each time I tried (and each time things went pear-shaped ... again)  I learned something new: about myself, about the art of volunteering.

Here are my five most formative volunteering experiences and what I learned from each one.

1. The white elephant stall 


The first time I volunteered I didn't actually volunteer.  My friend Antonia volunteered on my behalf. She had gone to the P&C meeting to see what she could do to help with the school fete.  When they asked who would do the white elephant stall, she shot up her hand and volunteered both our names. 


Her thinking was: we both like second hand shops, so who better to run one?


It was a nice idea in theory and I was keen to start stock-taking awesome bric a brac. I even went to the newsagent and bought some cute little price tag thingies with string so that we might attach them to all the quirky treasures that surely would inhabit our picture-perfect white elephant stall.


I imagined us sitting on stools, in big straw hats, chatting away sipping coffee, while people "oohed" and "aahed" over our gorgeous second-hand wares. We would be quite the curators, I imagined.


However, we had not counted on two things:


a) Sorting, pricing and storing the contents of a white elephant stall takes top notch big-picture organisational skills.

b) When you say this:

Please donate to the white elephant stall

Most people hear this:

Please dump your worthless rubbish in the school hall: free council clean up!

We got bits of wood and wire, broken mugs, bags of old shoes that not even a hobo would want for free, mismatching wine glasses, ice bucket holders (sans ice buckets) mouldy clothing including underwear and lots and lots of foot spas.  More foot spas than was humanly decent.

Faced with this mountain of detritus, we soon realised we did not have the required skills to deal with it.  Adding to the problem was the fact that it was taking up considerable space in the school hall and the music master was not happy about it.

There followed various inept attempts to move our "stock"  somewhere else, none of which came to fruition and the first hint that we were not equipped for this task.
Next we set about "organising it." I did random unhelpful things like write prices on things with an indelible black marker pen while Antonia spent an inordinate amount of time talking to herself while sorting and grouping things in to price points.  Only to realise she couldn't keep track because meanwhile I was moving things around and writing on them with a black marker pen.

In short, we were both indians and we needed a chief.

So far, not so good.

The day of the fete we set up our stall and everything was going fine: until  2pm when we realised that  if we didn't start a fire sale like, RIGHT NOW we would again be stuck with mountains of junk to deal with after the fete finished. And given our track record, the school hall would not be offered as a "storage" option.

This stuff would be coming home with us if we didn't start getting rid of it.

We started spruiking like a pair of pros.
"Everything $2!"
"Everything must go!"
"FREE foot spa!"
This was precisely when the head of the P&C witnessed me selling off her "priceless" and lovingly donated gold-rimmed wine glass set (of five, yes five)  for the fire sale amount of $2. (Truth be told, I was about to GIVE them away.)

Honestly, I thought she was going to send me to detention.  She rushed over, snatched them back and told me they were "worth much more than $2 thank you very much!"

At the end of the day, still sitting on our mound of rubbish we were mercifully bailed out by a fast-thinking school dad who organised for Vinnies to come and pick up our remaining unsold "stock".

Lesson: If you are an indian, do not apply to be a chief.

2. The cake stall


My next foray into volunteering was to heed a simple but plaintive school newsletter call out:

Cake stall helpers required. Please call Julie on 9724 5566

I called the phone number, as required, and was slightly disappointed when I was not greeted with gushing declarations of thanks  for volunteering my "helper" services. In fact, Julie seemed completely disinterested in having heard from me. I'm pretty sure I heard her yawn in my ear as I explained why I was calling.

"Just come to the senior staff room at 2pm on Tuesday." She said wearily.

I turned up with my best helper apron on.  In my mind, I was imagining a fun communal vibe as all the helpers laid out cakes, gossiped and became lifelong friends.

I stood at the door of the staff room looking for Julie.  Then I spotted a bored-looking woman standing over a table full of cakes quickly put two and two together.

"Julie? I'm Penny, we spoke on the phone."

"Take this cake and put it on the table outside." She said, simply.

I did that and wandered back inside, keen to do some more "helping." I saw about 10 other "helpers" being directed by Julie to take one cake each out to the table.  No one was having much fun. No one was bonding, and apparently no one was really needed.  It seemed Julie was just humouring us all and allowing us to help her because she assumed we had such empty lives we had nothing better to do than ferry cakes one at a time from one table to another.

After the cakes were set out on the table we all stood in awkward silence and waited for further instructions from our Dear Leader. Julie just went about her business setting prices on the cakes, sorting out her float money and pretending the rest of us didn't exist.

In light of my expectations, the stiff silence and the lack of bonhomie was tragic.

After about 10 minutes of pretending it was normal to stand in an empty school playground with an apron on doing absolutely nothing I decided to make like a banana and split. I never saw Julie again and I vowed never to volunteer for anything with her name attached. Which pretty much cancelled me out of most volunteering activities at the school because Julie, in spite of her chronic lack of leadership skills,  was the Big Cheese of volunteering.

Lesson: Don't expect to make friends or be thanked.

3. Canteen duty


After ascertaining that P&C people didn't actually want the amateurs amongst us messing with their work, I decided to volunteer for a different department: the canteen.  Apparently they actually were desperate for helpers and added to that, I have done enough time in cafes and pubs to know how to put together a mean salad sandwich and count back change out of a five.

It was a promising beginning. The canteen coordinator was a lovely 50-ish woman who practically cried with thanks when I turned up. So far so good. Gratitude: tick.  She was also a very good delegator and gave me a big list of tasks to complete before the recess bell sounded.  Apparently I was the best helper she'd ever had and she kept telling me so.  I was having the greatest day ever.

Things went a bit pear-shaped however when I apparently did not properly police the two queues at the canteen window: one queue was for junior school kids and the other queue was for senior school kids. There was also a yellow line behind which they had to stand, UNLESS it was their turn, at which point they were allowed to step forward and state their business.

One particularly beguiling little girl kept turning up in the markedly shorter junior school queue. She would smile at me like the cat that got the cream and buy another chicken chilli tender before thanking me in a most charming way. I thought she was just taken with me, because I was so welcoming and motherly.

"She's not a junior!" A kid yelled at me. "You're supposed to tell her to get in the other queue!"

Pretty soon there was an angry mob of kids at the window demanding to know why I had let someone rort the system. Apparently this was a serious offence and "she does it all the time!" But I refused to be drawn into their petty dibby-dobbing mostly because I did not want to admit to myself that I had been "had."

"Queue, schmew!" I shouted finally over the dibby-dobbing rabble.

Which was when the orderly two-queue recess rush became a disorderly "everybody bunch at the window" free-for-all.

When my friendly canteen coordinator returned from the cool room to see the chaos I had unleashed she shouldered me out of the way and started shouting instructions about two orderly queues and staying behind the yellow line.

Some weeks later, the school-run not-for-profit canteen system went under and the canteen contract was put out to tender. I'm not saying my little 'queue schmew' stunt was the cause, but I have a feeling my amateur antics were the final nail in the coffin.

Lesson: Just because there's no pay, doesn't mean there are no rules.


4. Parent band

By this stage, I was extremely reluctant to stick my head up ever again.  But just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.

One morning, I was minding my own business at the local coffee shop when two of my favourite school mums (a particularly rebellious pair who had recently infiltrated the P&C and started wreaking havoc amongst the straight-laced Julies of the world) snuck up behind me and said:

"Ah-ha! Just the person we've been looking for!"

They had a proposition for me.  Would I put together a parent band to perform on the day of the school centenary fete? (Important sidebar: in another life, I was a relatively successful indie musician.)

My mission, if I chose to accept it, was to hand pick my own cracking hot band out of available parents and play a few awesome tunes to impress the dignitaries and politicians who would be walking through the school on the day.

"Your call, you do what you want, you're in charge. Just make it good." Said Agent 1.

They also had "intel"  A video of the previous parent band which they played to me on their i-phone.

"See this?" Said Agent 2. "This is what we don't want."

It was a bunch of parents having a really fun time making a very awful noise with drums,  Casio keyboard, flute and tambourine.  Apparently it was their version of House of the Rising Sun. It wasn't any version I'd ever heard, let's just put it that way.

And once again, flattery made a fool of me.  But in my defence this task was right in my comfort zone and the one area in life where I am actually comfortable taking on the role of leader.

What could possibly go wrong?

I accepted the challenge, imagining myself as a veritable Jack Black in School of Rock. I could whip these parents into shape and show them how to ... pop-rock-with-a-country-twist.  How hard could it be?

What I did not foresee was all the previous 'parent band' members, the have-a-go funsters,  assuming they would be included.  I decided to give them enough rope to hang themselves.  With my core musicians already in place ( a terrific bunch of naturally talented hobby players who were prepared to let me lead) we invited the others to come to rehearsal and show us what they had.

They came, they sang, they stank up the rehearsal room and remained completely obvlivious to the fact that they were creating a stench of mammoth, "Oh my god why would you want to do that in public?" proportions.

I remembered then that complete lack of talent always comes hand in hand with a complete lack of self-awareness.

Added to that, they expected the rest of us - the ones with the actual musical ability -to simply back them like a karaoke band. They came with all manner of ridiculous song suggestions, no charts (musical notation that might have helped us do their bidding) and the expectation that we would stand in the background spontaneously playing whatever song came into their head at the time.

After rehearsal I went home and sent an email to Agents 1 and 2,  tendering my resignation as "band leader." I couldn't deal with these nutcases and nor was I prepared to:

a) perform in public with them
b) be the one to tell them their services were not needed

As a last-ditch compromise, I suggested we allot them one song each in the hour-long set; but they were to bring charts to the next rehearsal and there would be no, House of the Rising Sun or Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend.

Agent 1 was having none of it. True to her cat-amongst-the-pigeons form she fired off a group email informing everyone bluntly and with no apology,  who was "in" and who was "out."

Then as a final "so there" she effectively signed my death warrant:

"Penny is in charge, what she says goes!"

Fun times in the playground after that, as I became, "The diva who kicked everyone out of the parent band."

But the show did go on. And in case you're wondering, my hand-picked musical cohorts and I rocked the weather shed on the day of the centenary celebrations.  We rocked it like  ... a bunch of 40-something parents playing some very acceptable country pop rock.

However, a lot of people still hate me and I can no longer enter the school playground for fear of having a "Kick me I'm a diva" sign taped to my back.

Lesson: Don't get involved, no matter what the circumstances. Just don't get involved. Ever.


5. The scone and coffee stall

But take heart, these tales of volunteering horror do have a happy ending.  When my eldest child started high school I took advantage of the "clean slate" and decided to give this volunteering thing one last go.  Going with my adage of sticking to my skill set, I put my name down for the "coffee stand" at the annual school open day.

Soon after volunteering my services,  a very organised and efficient email arrived in my inbox: I was allotted a one hour shift on the day and told where to show up including a very helpful map of the school attachment.

I turned up to find a well-oiled machine going on in the school's home ec. kitchen.  Students with chef's hats on were pumping out trays of perfect scones one after the other. Another set of students were then jamming and creaming them. And yet another two were manning the espresso machine in a most professional and efficient manner.

My instructions were simple: take orders, deliver orders to tables. I could do that. And I did.

Clearly, someone "big-picture smart" was in charge; all I had to do was follow instructions. It was busy and fun and I even made some friends.

Lesson: It's a numbers game. One out of five ain't bad.