Since the interwebs was created, women have really come to the fore in online forums and comments boxes. There are three reasons for this female-forward phenomenon.
- we are very opinionated
- we like to talk
- in the digital space, we won't get talked over by a man
In my internet surfing travels, here are 15 types of commenters I have seen A LOT:
1. "All about me" commenter
As in: enough about this post, here’s a story about me and how good I am that is in no way related to the post above.
2. "Random activist" commenter
This commenter has an agenda and will find any way they can to shoehorn in their pet protest topic. For instance: on a post about brownies that happen to be made with Tim Tams, they will write something like …
“Buy Tim Tams and you’re supporting the use of Palm Oil and an unethical company”
I have no argument with this commenter. It’s a valid point, but if she’s serious about her protest, she should perhaps take her case further up the chain, like say, to the Arnott’s website.
3. LOL passive aggressive patroniser
This is a digital pat and slap manoeuvre. While pretending to be friendly as denoted by the use of ‘LOL’, in truth, they are pointing out to everyone else what an idiot you are.
Case in point: I once wrote a very compelling post for kidspot.com.au about how to poach the perfect egg (I know, Walkley Award, here I come.) I was thrilled that someone had bothered to comment and assumed it was because they were thanking me for some really useful tips . Then I realised they were just laughing at the fact that I had specified the use of an 800g egg (not realising that the 800g on the pack referred to the ENTIRE weight of all dozen eggs. Mea culpa):
“LOL are you using dinosaur eggs?”
(Maybe I was. You don’t know the truth about my egg supply sources.)
Then there were these recent comments on a post about what to cook for dinner if you forgot to defrost the meat:
“Who needs meat for dinner? LOL. Hardly a big crisis!”
“Microwaves have a ‘defrost’ setting for a reason. LOL”
It has become clear to me that sometimes, LOL is just code for, "YOU STUPID FOOL." In which case let's all just be straight shooters and type, YSF instead of LOL wherever applicable.
4. Shoehorn self-promoter
These are the people who shamelessly post links to their own piece or links to their latest self-help book in the comments box in the guise of selfless altruism.
"My new e-book, available here, How To Stop Buying So Many Tins Of Tomatoes may help you with this."
5. "Random sentence" commenter
These commenters are my favourite. They sort of relate to the post, but mostly that person just wants to say something ‘out loud’ and get involved. For instance, on a post about "10 quick things to cook for dinner" this commenter will type:
“I'm making fish for dinner!”
I love this commenter, she’s like the friendly person at a party who will burst into your circle and say something like: "I just ate three of those prawns on sticks!" Whilst everyone else is deeply engaged in a conversation about the state of the economy.
6. "Personal attack" commenter
The funny thing about the internet is you can’t always see the person you are attacking, so you have to have a bit of a "paint a word picture" stab if you want to have a really personal go at someone. This comment below was seen on a post that made fun of Kim Kardashian's latest red carpet outfit (a dress made out of string, just so you know.) It gets 10/10 for visualisation effort.
“And this article comes from some chick sitting back at her desk wearing her Supre pants and Portmans blazer.”
I didn’t even know you could get pants at SUPRE!!! I thought they only sold crop tops and oversized t-shirts with "RELAX" printed on them.
7. "I’m not laughing and it’s making me angry" commenter
Ironically enough, humour posts are the most divisive of all.
After all, not everyone finds the same things funny. And the more everyone else is laughing and having a good time in the comments box, the more the person who doesn't share the mirth feels compelled to sh** all over everyone else’s good time.
“This is not funny AT ALL!”
"What a stupid waste of time this post was!"
I get it. I do. I was once at a comedy club when an older male comedian came on stage and started doing some very sexist, “women on their rags” material. Worse still, everyone was laughing their heads off and it made me FURIOUS. So I "booed" him - I opened my mouth, cupped my hands in a makeshift megaphone and went "Booooo!" Like I was at a pantomime and he was the villain.
So I do understand the impulse to let your feelings be known. I guess these people are just exercising their right to "boo". But I should point out that as soon as the "boo" sound left my mouth, I felt inordinately silly and ineffectual in the face of all the laughter.
But the far end of the humourless spectrum is the person with no sense of humour at all: this person cannot comprehend that some posts are just flippant listicles. From what I’ve seen, the problem seems to be a lack of awareness of "tone".
For instance on a post titled "Supermarket Rules" someone wrote:
“Who are you to tell us what we can and can't do?"
I felt compelled to let this person know that the rules were not legislated in parliament and so there would be no charges laid if they chose not to comply with rules like: "Don't bend your arse halfway out into the aisle when reaching for something on the bottom shelf."
8. The hijacker
These comments box terrorists take control of the comments box and steer it in a hitherto unforeseen direction: a place where no one could have predicted things would go.
And that place is: a comments box bunfight.
This is the person who, when faced with a news item about say, a missing woman, will say something like:
“She looks like a botox whore!”
To which someone else will reply:
“Shut up, I know her and shes (sic) not a botox whore. YOUR (sic) a Botox whore!”
To which the original person will reply
“YOU are!”
And so on and so on until a post about a missing woman becomes more about the pros and cons of Botox, who has it, who doesn’t and how people who have Botox should die anyway.
And just to clarify, to my knowledge the woman had not had Botox.
Which brings me to ...
9. "You're/your what's the difference?" commenter
You're - a contraction of "you are" e.g: You're an idiot.
Your - possessive pronoun e.g: That's your problem.
10. "Alarmed by sugar" commenter
“OMG! One and a half cups of sugar!”
Um, yes, it’s a cake. MOST CAKES HAVE SUGAR IN THEM, THAT’S THE POINT OF CAKES!!!!
11. "Wrong gender" commenter
These are the men who complain bitterly when a women’s website is not speaking directly to them, including them or considering how they feel. Boo hoo middle class white man, this corner of the universe is not calibrated for you.
12. "Random bad experience" commenter
For instance: This person once had a really bad experience with an umbrella and so posts about umbrellas really upset her and should be banned from all websites so as not to upset her further and cause her flashbacks. Posting things about umbrellas is just plain INSENSITIVE!
13. "Responds at length to the headline" commenter
This is the commenter who responds at length to the header but doesn’t actually read the article wherein they might find a more nuanced exploration of the topic that negates their need to rail against the header alone.
14. "Pro capital punishment" commenter
E.g. “This person should be (insert violent method of extermination here)"
15. Parenting choices militants
Breastfeeding, bottlefeeding, co-sleeping, control crying, sugar, no sugar, attachment parenting, nude parenting …
What are they vehemently opposed to? What’ve you got?
