1. I am going to have the best time and when I’m finished my house is going to look awesome.
2. Ooh, free pencils. I want one! And a tape measure. This is the best day ever.
3. What … ? Why are all these people here on a weekday? Don’t they have JOBS!?
4. Get outta my way large family who brought grandma AND grandpa!
5. OK, stay on target, stay on target – you are here to buy a KALLAX shelving unit only. Repeat KALLAX shelving unit only. Do not, I repeat, do not buy any cheap scented candles or plastic boxes.
6. Oh that white couch looks so smart … HEY IDIOT! What have we discussed? You cannot have white furniture. Right, cannot have white furniture, must not buy white furniture.
7. I wish my living room looked like that … but … would I have to get a handyman to come and drill holes into my walls to make those shelves work? Forget it.
8. Ooh, a little box of screws and nuts … who doesn’t need lots of nuts and hooks and screwy bits?
9. I think I’m gonna need one of those big yellow bags.
10. Something about that cheap couch just doesn’t quite look right, it’s like the cover doesn’t fit properly or … Hello! Chair pads!
11. If I buy these chair pads, everything in my life will be perfect.
12. What are these things? EKSALS? I don’t know what they are, but I think I need some, they look like some sort of storage solution.
13. I think I might need two bags.
14. Ah the dining room section. You know what? I’ve been thinking lately that a fold-out dining table would solve all my problems. Where’s that stupid free pencil? Now, LAGSIG fold-out table … Aisle 56 Area 45 … hang on or was that Area … oh forget it, I don’t need a fold-out dining table … focus, focus. KALLAX shelving unit, KALLAX shelving unit.
15. Ah, the kitchen section, where all my dreams can come true. I feel like I just took a Valium, it is soooo organised and relaxing in here. If I had that kitchen, I would be so happy.
16. Hey! Idiot! We’re here for square shelving, keep moving, keep moving and don’t look left or right.
17. Right, where’s the shortcut. Oh I see it, almost there …
18. Ooh! Hanging tub thingies for my kitchen. THAT will solve all my problems. I can hang some herbs like Jamie Oliver does.
19. Hold the phone! Under-bench lighting … that I don’t have to call an electrician to install? I’m in.
20. Think I’m going to need a bigger bag.
21. OK, now stay on target, we’re almost to the shelving section, square shelves remember, square shelves.
22. Stupid big family in my way again. Burn them off. Indicate and overtake, walk like an Olympian, heel-toe, heel-toe.
23. Ahh, shelving, here we are. Now, KALLAX shelving unit, where are you?
24. Do I want a unit of nine or 12 squares? Dammit, I should have measured the living room wall. Rookie mistake! Rookie mistake!
25. Aisle 21 Area 15 . Right, got it, stay on target. Now get out! Run, run. Don’t go through the market hall just go straight to the picking section, then to the checkout and GO! Blinkers on.
26. Uh-oh the bedroom section. Do not buy any cute cheap lights for kids, do not buy any cute cheap lights for kids … or dumb hanging soft toy storage.
27. OH a bed canopy! That’d be fun. $14? Why wouldn’t ya? And some of these plastic storage boxes … hang on, do I need a shelving unit with those – HEY! Stay on target, we’re going straight to the checkout, remember?
28. Think I’m going to need a trolley.
29. Uh oh, here comes the soft furnishings section. Do not buy cushions, do NOT buy cushions. Or funky Swedish fabric to MAKE your own cushions. You don’t sew, remember, we’ve been through this before.
30. Whew! Made it through I’m nearly there … HEY! Lighting … FOCUS! Do not buy cheap paper lanterns, do not buy cheap paper lanterns. Well, maybe just one.
31. Ooh trolleys, now I can get more stuff. No! Take the shortcut, take the shortcut … I see the shortcut to the checkouts, take it, quick, take it and you can still get out of here alive!
32. OK, so I took the shortcut but … what? Market hall? How did I end up here? Goddamn you Swedish temptress! OK, so maybe just one box of wine glasses, they’re so cheap, why wouldn’t ya?
33. And these napkins are fun.
34. Oh and these coffee mugs, I think I’m going to start a new theme, blue and taupe. Three blue, three taupe. And I’ll need some new blue and taupe placemats to go with my new theme.
35. Aaand maybe some plates.
36. OK, we’re nearly there …just walk straight through the cheap-scented-candles-that-smell-like-food and garden-knick-knacks-that-you-don’t-need section.
37. Ooh a gazebo! Could I do that myself without calling a tradesman? HEY! You’re here for square shelves, KALLAX shelving unit, Area 15 Aisle 21 … or vice versa, anyway, remember, keep going. Just keep walking.
38. Oh my god, I’m finally here. There’s the checkout and there’s a checkout with only one person waiting. Quick speed up and get in front of the big family who brought grandma and grandpa, how did they get in front of me again?
39. Awesome, self-serve checkout – I don’t have to talk to anyone about how my day is going.
40. I LOVE this self-scanner thing, I feel like a shopkeeper. I might even ask that lady how her day is going.
41. Uh-oh, no bags. I’m gonna have to buy another one of these stupid big IKEA bags to carry all my stuff and then when I get home I’m going to have to wedge it into the linen cupboard with the other five I already have.
42. Finally, I made it out. I’m clear. I can see the EXIT. I’m free! I’m … wait I think I forgot something …
43. Oh sh**, I forgot the KALLAX shelving unit. I’m going to have to come back tomorrow.
44. Help me, I can’t remember where my car is.
45. Seriously, somebody help me. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
