There are many ways to be socially awkward. I know this, because I am an expert. Throughout my life I have uncovered myriad ways to create a portable miasma of vague discomfort.
If you are a novice and you would like to
learn how to do it, you’ve come to the right place.
I have tried and tested all of these
methods and I can guarantee that
these moments will not only be awkward at
the time, but they will revisit you throughout your life to remind you what an
enormously awkward goober you really are.
1.
Overthink the social kissing
Social kissing is an awkward goober’s
kryptonite because there are so many ways it can go horribly wrong. The secret
to cocking it up is to overthink it to oblivion.
Who
should I kiss? Just close friends or do I kiss that friend of Sue’s as well?
Should we kiss now or in a few seconds? When’s the social kiss coming, is it
coming at all or can I relax? Are we kissing on the left or the right? Are we
making actual lip to cheek contact or just air-kissing? We’ve already kissed
goodbye but now we’re at the car, do we kiss again or should I just wave like a
puppet to signify the social interaction has finished?
2. Mistake the social hug for a social kiss
If someone goes for the hug and you mistake
it for the full service social kiss, it ultimately means you will unwittingly
kiss some part of that person that should never be casually kissed: an ear, a
nose, an eyebrow.
In my case, it resulted in a slow-moving
Nosferatu impersonation: I lurched around for a landing point that ultimately
ended with his neck.
3.
Miss the exit on the revolving door
For extra points: miss it once, then lose
your nerve and miss it again so that you end up doing a few laps and have to
keep saying “Hi” to the people waiting to come in
For bonus points: mistime your entry and
accidentally enter someone else’s segment of the door. Now you are both jammed
into a small space, trying to shuffle along at a synchronized rate so as not to
accidentally bum each other. Maximum awkwardness achieved.
4.
Push on the door that clearly says, “PULL” as you are leaving a crowded café
And by “push” on it, I mean: really wrestle
with it like you’re trapped inside a burning building and need to get out
before you perish.
5. Wave enthusiastically at a stranger
Make sure you do your wacky and ironic
Humphrey B Bear wave - that private joke that’s only funny to you and your
close friends - because it’s not someone you know, it’s just a random woman
with glasses who looks like someone you know.
It’s important to finish this off by morphing
the wacky-wave-for-close-friends into a wide-arcing and implausible nose
scratch.
6.
Trip over a crack in the footpath and pretend it’s your new jaunty walk
This must be done in front of a crowded bus
stop full of bored commuters who have nothing better to do than to watch your “I’m-tripping-no-I’m-walking-funny”
charade from start to finish. Because to prove it’s your new jaunty walk,
you’ll have to keep doing it until you are out of their line of sight.
Extra points for saying something like: “Whoopsie-doopsie!”
at the time of tripping.
7.
Allow someone to get your name wrong because you’re assuming that you’ll never
see them again
Make sure you let them say it numerous
times so it’s clear that you also
think that your name is “Pammy.” It will then transpire that she is the mother
of your son’s new best friend. So you will be seeing each other regularly and
just long enough each time for her to call you, “Pammy”, but not long enough to
warrant a full-scale retraction.
This one has a nice long-range kicker:
because at some point five years down the track you will have to come clean and
admit that your name was never “Pammy” then explain why you didn’t say anything
sooner. Good luck!
8.
Mutter a random word whilst shaking hands with an acquaintance
And by “mutter”, I mean, don’t move your
lips and by “random” I mean, something inexplicable like: “Awesome.” (I don’t
know why I did it, but the handshaking was just so intense and silent I felt I
had to say something.)
9.
Shout “Hello!” at an unnecessarily loud volume when greeting an acquaintance
I do this a lot. And I know the trigger: someone
who makes me nervous.
·
The intense German woman at my
kids’ school
·
The old man from next door who
tinkers in my garden unannounced (I mean, serious tinkering; presently he is
cutting up bricks with a machine and relaying pavers. To be clear, I never
asked him to.)
·
The barista who sprays his broad
brushstrokes “flirting” across all ages and genders
10.
Overhear a compliment and assume it’s for you
This will happen when you’ve gone a bit
outside your comfort zone fashion-wise: a brave new hair colour, a fashion hat,
some bold statement jewellery. And because you are thinking about it, you will
assume everyone else is thinking about it too. Spoiler alert: they’re not.
In my case, it was a jazzy knotted kerchief
at the neck. I just thought I’d try it and so when I heard a work colleague
behind me say: “She’s such a fashion plate …” I naturally assumed. I should
have left it at the assuming but because I am a master player, I felt compelled
to thank her for the compliment.
She wasn’t talking about me. Oh how we laughed … and by “we laughed”
I mean: she laughed AT me and I laughed whilst dying inside.
11. Fall
into step with your neighbour and realise too late you are headed in the same
direction and don’t have enough conversation topics to cover the terrain
The most awkward way out of this is to pretend
you need to stop and tie your shoe, then continue to stalk them from four paces
behind for the rest of the way.
